Patterns and habits, whether we have deemed them healthy or unhealthy, are choices we continue to commit ourselves to because they make us feel inherently safe. We have committed ourselves to these habits and patterns because they have become our defense mechanisms in times of uncertainty or uncomfortability. Whether it be patterns under the realm of your romantic, family, friend, food relationships or the relationship with yourself, it’s important to remember that just identifying the problem with the patterns and habits you choose to carry on with is the most progressive first step to changing.
Not to sound cliche, but truly the first step is to admit you have the problem.
To give an example of what these unhealthy patterns or habits might look like, the biggest two that I have admittedly struggled with are the patterns that have formed with my relationship with food and my romantic relationships. Although these might be embarrassing to admit, I know so many of us struggle with these patterns, which makes me feel more comfortable to share.
In terms of food patterns, I have always relied on food as a coping mechanism and distraction. For a long time during my eating disorder, food and the way that I restricted it and made rules around it provided me a comfortable distraction from everything else that was going on in my life. For 5-6 years I formulated the habit loop of restricting and over scrutinizing my food intake whenever I felt stressed, uncomfortable, uncertain, sad, or lost in my emotions. It was a way for me to suppress the emotions that I didn’t want to feel and shove a distraction on top of them instead.
In regards to romantic relationships, I’ve developed the pattern of shutting down and pushing away when I feel anxious or feel that I’ve been too vulnerable with another. The fear of opening up too much to only have everything fall apart has had me seek and destroy the relationship in order to prevent my feelings getting hurt. In the end though, I’m essentially just hurting my own feelings by doing this.
The thing is – we’re not stuck in these ways – we have just committed ourselves to these habits and patterns for so long for that twisted feeling of safety that when we think about giving up or changing these habits…we begin to feel a new level of insecurity. When we try to break patterns or habits that we have done so long, we’re naturally going to meet ourselves with resistance first.
The first step is choosing yourself.
Choosing yourself in terms of choosing to feel. Feel the feelings. Allow them to come. Acknowledge them.
I know that might be read with an eye roll, but often these patterns and habits develop because we regard any emotion other than pure bliss or happiness as unsafe and not right. In reality though, the “yucky” feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, etc. are good and useful emotions that are trying to teach us something - redirect our lives to where they are meant to go.
You know I love the baby step approach, and you can apply this to not suppressing emotions as well. When we're in these bouts of wanting to turn to these habits and patterns that we know are not serving us in times of insecurity, it's important to ask the questions:
"What feeling am I avoiding right now?
"Will this make me feel better or worse after I take this action?"
"Has this habit ever made me feel long-term comfort?"
"What is one word that I can use to describe how I'm feeling?"
"When do I have the mental capacity to deal with this emotion, if not right now?"